World Weary

This picture was sent to me and it is entitled World Weary. I don't know who created it, but it fits my mood today quite nicely. Long weeks and exhausted attempts to cope with everything have all come to a head. Yesterday was a disaster. Classes went OK, but I was cleaning up the mess from missing classes on Friday and it was obvious that some of my students were more than a little perturbed that I hadn't been there . Some things can not be fixed. I was awakened in the early morning by a friend who needed to get to the hospital immediately. When she went into labor she was alone, so I took her to the hospital and stayed with her until her husband could be found. And apparently I had students go and complain to my boss about me not being there on Friday. They told him I had missed several classes, when in reality I have only missed two. Now I am not saying that I shouldn't be accountable for the missed sessions, but I have made every attempt to move due dates, do reviews, and in general clean up the mess from me not being there.

There is a very real issue, a sense of entitlement ... many of these kids think they are the center of the universe, and they do not seem to understand that I am a human with emergencies and occasional illness. Nor do they understand the kind of trouble I can be placed in when they take petty complaints to a boss. Luckily my boss is a good guy who will hear me out and allow me to explain the circumstances, but it can't solve the fact that I am no longer able to get a good letter of recommendation from him or be assured of a full load of classes next semester.

Here is the thing ... I know God will take care of Doug and me. I know it, but I am so stressed with all the little things that build up into an ugly whole. I am world weary, sick of the childish complaints, frustrated by the stupidity of youth. I always swore that I would keep my finger on the pulse of the youth ... be understanding. Now I feel like the old lady who has had it up to HERE and wants to go buy a flower shop and say to hell with teaching. It doesn't pay well; it is exhausting and no one appreciates you; it is a time consuming and demanding job! But then I remember how amazing it feels to give a great lecture. The epiphanized (my word:) moments when the light bulbs blaze in their eyes. The good days are among the best of my life and let us be honest ... I am an addict. I love teaching. I just wish it allowed for humanity as well.So today I complain, so that I can go into my classroom tomorrow, refreshed and ready to do my best again. Pray for me my friends.

My trial by fire seems to be in full force just now. After my miscarriage in May I have spent a lot of time trying to get myself back in shape mentally and physically. I am still running HCG levels, and thus my body thinks I am in my first trimester. I am always tired, and this makes it hard to exercise as much as I would like too. Losing weight is nearly impossible since my body is in "take care of the baby" mode that HCG causes. In the midst of this roller coaster two of my best friends have had babies.

I love Shiori (Rick and Robin's little girl) and Avery (Bekah and Thanial's little girl); they bring me a great deal of joy, but I would be lying if I said that the last few months have been an easy thing for me. Spending so much time in the maternity area of the hospital has been hard. I have had people tell me, "Stacy, jealousy won't help. " What people are just not getting is that this isn't jealousy; I am not in any way, shape, or form jealous. I am sad, and worried, and confused by my rebellious body ... there is an emptiness in my heart and arms that is sometimes a palpable pain, but I am not jealous. There is no anger, or envy. I feel nothing but happiness for my friends. I enjoy my brief moments with their babies ... they give me hope and a deep joy. Holding them fills me with a surety of God's love. There really isn't any way to explain the paradox. All I know is there is nothing of angst or anger.

So I am tired, and last night Doug gave me a blessing, and some peace was and is being found. I know God will fill the empty spaces and make me whole if I only ask in faith nothing wavering ... so now I have to find the energy not to waver, and that is hard when I am so tired, but I am stubborn, so it will happen with a bit of time.

A few days ago I listened to a wise man say that faith is more than a simple concept, it must be a concious decision, and I fully agree. So I am making a decision to trust God, turn my fears over to Him, and to lay my sorrow at His feet. I can't carry them anymore, and I think He is probably relieved to find that I am finally doing what He would have had me do months ago ... trust Him to fix what I can't begin to fathom or fix for myself.