Thrice Bitten; She's Shy, and Other Tales of Going Valkyrie

Ok, so since last time you visited my blog I have been bitten by another arachnid. Sorry to rant about it, but honestly ... three spider bites, in two weeks. Enough I say, enough by George. Let us just say I hate spiders with a vitriol unfathomable, and leave it at that.

My daughter, who cannot be quiet for any period of time longer than 5 minutes when we are alone, is having another period of extreme shyness. Meaning everyone who comes to the house is instantly ignored, or worse yet they are glared at rudely. And I mean the stare of hatred and loathing. Really ugly to say the least. I have tried to convince her that when I am introducing a friend she should NOT be so rude. "Sweetie, please don't glare at them that way. You don't have to talk to them, just PLEASE don't make them think you are full of hatred for them."

Her reply, " But I don't like them mom. Cuz I don't know them. And they try to touch me... I hate that." So here is what everyone needs to know about my daughter. Her personal space is NOT to be invaded. She is working through a lot in her past. That is all I need to say.

So some cute things, because life has been right ruddy hard the last two weeks, and I am barely surviving. My daughter, when she prays always starts the same way. " Dear Heavenly Father, we so thank you for this day." Yes, I know as an English teacher I should explain that it is 'we are so thankful' but I just can't and won't. I think they are beautiful, her simple prayers. I love them. And if she listens to me and Doug, it will iron itself out. But for now, I enjoy the innocence of her verbage.

I never have a naked fridge. Wee one loves to draw, paint, and do all things artsy, so the fridge is her gallery, with a frequently rotating assemblage of pics that keep me smiling. She is quite the busy little artist. Every day an adventure; every night a new excuse to keep creating instead of going to bed at a reasonable time ;)

She is ours. And we love her. It is very very hard. And if anyone else tells me I am an angel of mercy or a hero for taking on the challenge of raising another person's kid . . . well, I will throttle them. There is only one person in my life who can say that and know that I will accept it ... and she knows who she is. Only someone who was in the exact same boat as my child can say such things. I am not an angel.

I spend most days questioning my sanity. I mean the adjustments make a new baby look like a cake walk ... which is an insane thing to say. But babies are pure, and I have seen the light and joy in the eyes of two sleep deprived parents. I KNOW there is a difference. I have none of the euphoria; it is just constant exhausting work with almost no reward at all. I have grieved in ways that only an infertile woman can understand. I have cried myself to sleep countless times. I have loved my fertile friends, adored their wonderful kids, but hated the profound earth shaking loss I feel in the presence of their children. I know that most of the pain has nothing to do with my kid. She is a great person, who has had horrible things happen to her. Yes, I love my daughter like she is my own flesh ... but not without pain, not without giving up dreams, and not without listening to people accuse me of being obsessed with my career and so the lack of kids is MY fault. This week I was told that no, I couldn't join a study because I was old enough that I was not likely to have a successful pregnancy anyway. ONLY IN UTAH would someone be so very horrific to an "older" woman ( mumbles to self vehemently). For heaven sake I am not even 40 yet!

People often make comments about adoption. Most of them are not positive. I am so sick of my daughter asking if she isn't good because she has to be adopted.

"Mom, do you really want me. "

" Of course we do kiddo. You are awesome; we are so excited to have you."

"But that lady/kid said that I was pathetic/sad/ unwanted cuz I am not really your kid."

"Just you mind this wee one. Daddy and I love you to bits. We want you not just now, but forever. Get it?"

"K mom. I get it"

My child does not need people to tell her that her situation isn't normal ... she is more aware of that than any narrow minded fool will ever be. She doesn't need to be made to feel like less of a person due to her lot in life. She is already riddled with a lack of self esteem that I pray daily will be mended in her. I cannot fathom the amount of insecurity/arrogance/idiocy/pure meanness it would take to make such comments. I really do try to treat people with respect, but some lines cannot be crossed. There is no excuse good enough to hurt someone the way that I was or my daughter was this week. So I have become a bit of a harpy with these people. I am getting all Norse Mythological, and it isn't pretty. Very literary, but not pretty at all.