Oligists and Grace

Cardiologists, Rhematologists, Gastrointeroligists, Endocrinologists, and Neurologists oh MY.

I haven't been very vocal, except with a very select audience, about my issues of late.  I honestly planned my funeral last week, not because I am morbid, but because I was pretty sure I needed to do it.    After seeing three specialists and with two more to go I am feeling a bit like a human pin cushion, and what is more, I still don't know what is wrong with me.

I decided I needed to let the rest of you know what was happening.  Ever since my miscarriage in May I have been sick on and off.  I have tried to ignore the signs, since finding a job was the priority.  But about three weeks ago it was made very apparent to both Doug and myself that my standard ignoring of my physical needs wasn't going to cut it anymore.  Doug put his foot down and took me to a doctor, who drew enough blood to make me dizzy, and tested me for everything she could think of.

The blood work came back normal.  Thyroid, cholesterol, A1C, everything was in normal and healthy parameters.  And yet I have been more exhausted than a woman pregnant with triplets during her first trimester; I have literally lost half my hair, and I am dizzy almost constantly, not to mention the permanent 2 degree temperature rise in my body, the nausea, or the chest pains.

NO, I am not prego.  In fact the above listed issues only add to the sadness of the mess.  I can happily report that I don't have lupis, or fibromyalgia, nor do I have a heart condition.  However, any hope of getting kids here by Christmas has been quashed.  In fact, the three kids we wanted to have placed with us are as of today placed in different homes since we were unable to take them.

I am at peace with that since I would never want to subject kids who have been through so much to the pain of their new mom being a mess.  So until I am ironed out ... there will be no children.

Due to the latest events I have decided to embrace the coming holiday season whole heartedly in an attempt to forget my issues, at least as much as possible, and enjoy the peace I so desperately crave.

This last six months have been hard.  Much has been lost, but my closeness to God has grown exponentially, as I have given up my own desires in order for Him to fill my soul.  I have quite literally lost my old life before Texas, and perhaps due to the fact that I did it at God's request, I am slowly and surely finding myself.  "She who loses her life for my sake shall find it" :)

Miracles have unfolded this last two months, and despite the current big bump in the road of our plans, Doug and I know that God's Master Plan is more good, and more awesome, than we can understand in our scope.
We went to the Tapestry Conference last weekend which was held at the Irving Bible Church.  It is for adoptive and foster parents, and we met hundreds of other people in the same boat as us.  It was an amazing and reaffirming experience.

And this morning one of my best friends called to tell me that she is finally, after a heart wrenching journey, the lucky soon to be mother of a beautiful baby girl.  We have traveled this adoption journey together, and often she has been the only person to truly understand the void and sorrow of  losing Selena, and our fear at starting over again, in every sense of the word.  I feel very blessed to have her in my life.  A chance to share in her joy, doubles my own.

So there it is.  I am happy for the good things, which is appropriate for Thanksgiving season, and I hope to carry that peace so that I can heal, and be silent enough to hear what I need to do in order to find peace of mind, body and soul.