Today's moment of Zen. A lot has happened in the last few months, and I can't pretend to understand all the intricacies, but I do know that God is working to bring Doug and I to a better place (spiritually et. al). People told me all kinds of things about marriage; some were actually accurate, and others haven't been. I don't feel trapped, or confused by the process. In fact the last 30 months have been the best of my life. Now here is the thing . . . finances, change, sickness, all of them are hard, but the joy, laughter, silence of companionship all make up for the difficulties.
For people who have known me for years, and others who were close to me years ago, but haven't known me recently, this considerably more mellow Stacy is a new and strange creature. I am still passionate and all that I ever was, but in a more quietly contemplative package. In the last few weeks, I have seen friends, and a few family members that I haven't seen in years. Their expectations of my reactions were very difficult for me. The lack of understanding that I have evolved, and changed, hopefully for the better was sadly lacking, and I quickly grew tired of being told that they expected me to be "so dramatic as to be unbearable" and that "people like me can't change, and don't want to, since they are so obsessed with the DRAMA of life, the drama they CREATE, so that they don't get bored."
OK OK ... I know that I was a serious teenage Drama Queen, and that some of the effects of my teenage years hang about my neck from time to time, but now I am in my thirties, and I haven't thrown a fit in well over a decade. One person even confronted me with an almost demanding expectation that we verbally spar as we did years ago. I don't like to fight, and when I wouldn't, they were irate and continued to try to force the issue of conflict.
It has led me to the conclusion that people don't really know me. Don't get me wrong, some of my family, and a few close friends do, but for the most part, the last few weeks have shown how narrow minded the world and even past acquaintances can be. Change, so much change has occurred as to make me unrecognizable to myself, so how can anyone else claim to truly know me? Now I find myself in a new home, new church, new community, and new life ... and though I loved my old one, I am excited for this new one too. However, when people, the one's that are supposed to love you, don't understand it is hard to make a niche for oneself.
Unintended gripe session, but really, all the prior commentary is to simply state this. All I have is my life, my writing, teaching, and passion for learning. People can tag me as too dramatic, too passionate, or however else they want to view me. I will go on living the best way I know how. Afterall, any strength or joy I have ever gained in this life has been from being different. I don't want to be like every other woman my age. I want to create, and live, and notice the little things. If loving beauty, in all its forms, and crying when I hear a beautiful song or poem makes me "overly dramatic" then I embrace it, happily. After a long week of hurt feelings, I have decided to cast aside the unfeeling damaging comments of others and love myself enough to let go of the hurt and move on. I want to do something wonderful for those around me; I sincerely want to make a difference in this world. So more power to the crazy blonde poetess within me. Carpe Diem.
